2014 We Are Penn State Fantasy Football League Preview: MODILF

Welcome, fuckers, to another season in the We Are Penn State fantasy football league. In this space I will trash all you and your teams for a third consecutive year. What gives me the right, you ask?

Knock, knock.

2014 refresher:

Championship Belt: Andrew Maggi, All-Beam Team*

Maggi, who sweltered in a piss-covered mascot suit one summer, had an eventful year. First, in the summer, he threw his life away getting married. Somehow, despite all that negative karma, he landed in the 2013 title game thanks to Adrian Peterson, Zac Stacy (who?), DeMarco Murray and the 49ers defense.

Well let me re-phrase that: Maggi PAYED THE GOD OF FIRE THE ULTIMATE PRICE IN ORDER FOR A CHAMPIONSHIP. My team, Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood, was a mere not fuckup from Matt Ryan away from a second title in four years. Instead of letting Matt Bryant kick a field goal for me to seal the title, Mike Smith and Matt Ryan collude against me and gave Maggi this title. Since dark magic was used in the capture of this title Maggi receivers the first ever fantasy football championship asterisk.

FUCK YOU MIKE SMITH, MATT RYAN.

Sack-0: Chris DeGeorge, Upper Decker

Shame to see such a great team name be so utterly mismanaged. DeGeorge, having just re-joined the league following a brief hiatus, was able to secure the Sack-0 thanks to Stevan Ridley, the Law Firm and his beloved Jared Cook. Every year DeGeorge predicts emphatically that Josh Freeman will breakout: this is your rightful place.

Note: this was the first time in league history that Whitfield did NOT finish last. Have a beer man you’ve earned it.

Onto 2014:

Keepers

So the keepers were pretty stand….OH MY GOD BRYSON AND GRAYSON WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?! That was actually what I did as I read those prior to the draft. Even with the Seahawks defense being a deadly force, they were still being picked on average 130th in ESPN drafts! Reggie Bush isn’t even the best fantasy back in Detroit (Joique Bell). But hey, they’re not my teams.

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Round 2

With many of the top RB’s off the board, a run of QB’s started the real draft. Manning, Rodgers, Brees, Stafford, Luck and Foles would go in this space. All-Beam team starts his title* defense with AP and Peyton. We should really do a random draft order next year…ahem.

Even though I picked second, I’d still go with a random draft order because me landing Shady AND A-God is just not fair. I mean, this year it’s okay because the rest of my draft literally sucked every dick.

Round 3, 4

DeGeorge looking to end his Sack-0 punishment with Murray, Megatron, DeSean Jackson and AJ Green so far. Impressive. Elliot autodrafts team looks like a post Taco Bell diaper and it’s only round 4 (Julius Thomas, Arian Foster, Le’Veon Bell and Ryan Mathews).

Randall Cobb in round 3 (honestly) starts a run of picks for the Neighborhood that includes Ben Tate, Michael Crabtree and Toby Gerhart. THERE IS A WHITE RUNNING BACK AND YOU MEAN I JUST VOLUNTARILLY DRAFTED HIM? GIVE ME THE SACK-0 NOW ITS GONNA HAPPEN.

Or maybe…..TOBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Is Toby Gerhart the new Cecil Shorts III? The similarities are just endless: same team, same upbringing, counted out at every corner. Too small, too white. DESTINY.

Bryson, trying desperately to save his draft, nabs Montee Ball in round 3 which could look like a reach then but will be a steal. A drunk girl on E and in stilletos could pile up 1,000 yards and 10 TD’s with the Broncos this year. See Moreno, Knowshown last year.

Wait, Moreno is on my team THIS YEAR? He’s not on the Broncos, though? FML.

Picks I love: Ball, Antonio Brown to Big Cats, Gronk to Whitfield, Keenan Allen to Bryson, CJ Spiller to Draft Salad.

Picks I hate: Andre Johnson (suck it Maggi), Roddy White, Frank Gore and Ryan Mathews. Just feeling bad years for those vets.

Round 5, 6, 7, 8

Rashad Jennings is an interesting guy this year. Definite starter with nobody behind him in NY, but that’s with a puke offense so far. He showed some big-time potential in similar wasteland Oakland last year so I like him this year a lot. DeGeorge has a fantastic team so far, just needs a QB to pull it all together.

I had Andre Ellington last year, Bails, and man that dude is a stud. I hate Trent Richardson, he looks like he’s running in a pool of peanut butter 24/7. Percy Harvin is pretty good value here, he’s a threat for 50 yards receiving and another 50 on the ground every game. He’s also Seattle’s most explosive weapon and Russell Wilson is only getting better.

Upper Decker nabs Russ Will in the seventh round, I would have taken Wilson to be my QB if A-God had fallen through early on. Wes Welker and his Molly use goes to Whitfield. Tough break there, but Welker would have missed time with concussion issues most likely anyway.

THERE HE IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND: CECIL SHORTS III! Drunken Clam and Warner just nabbed the sleeper of the draft in round 8. I nearly rode Cecil to the promised land last year Warner, use him well.

Rest of draft because I’m lazy, my team sucks, I hate everything and I’m not paying the league fee:

Back-to-back high upside picks in Justin Hunter and DeAndre Hopkins in round 9 by autodraft Elliot and Brian. If Jake Locker doesn’t need LifeAlert by week 3 Hunter could end up being a stud. That said, Jake Locker will find another random season-ending injury to doom his ’14.

I ended up autodrafting Greg Jennings in round 10, by the way. The Vikings Greg Jennings, not the Packers Greg Jennings. Sack-0. A not sucky receiver I would have picked would have been Mike Evans, who Big Cats will be very happy with I’m sure.

The person likely to gauge their eyes out thanks to drafting Darren McFadden in 2014 is……(drum roll): AUTODRAFT ELLIOT! Congrats, Elliot, an entire season of wanting to murder another human being based off of a fantasy game is yours.

Tom Brady to Upper Decker in round 10 seals DeGeorge as my preseason favorite to take the championship belt. His team is literally stacked like nobody’s business. In the next round, Bryson made the bold prediction that his round 11 pick, Jordan Matthews, and declared him the best sleeper in the whole draft. A) He’s not a sleeper, and b) Die, I wanted him.

Preseason award watch:

Most likely to win Sack-0 that isn’t Whifield (for the second-straight year!): tie between Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood (Me) and Crazy Liquor Czr whatever (Autodraft Elliot)

Mine:

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Autodraft Elliot’s:

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Most likely to win the championship belt: Upper Decker, DeGeorge.

It’s been a rough calendar year for DeGeorge as he went from dating one supermodel to another (tough life, eh?). He also had to suffer through his steaming pile of shit of a team. Anytime you unseat Whitfield as the Sack-0 you have some good fantasy karma coming your way, and this is it DeGeorge.

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On second thought, since he picked Tebow at the end of the draft he deserves back-to-back Sack-0’s. Being picked in this space is not an endorsement, and will probably result in a Titanic-esque season for you.

Editor’s note: It really fucking sucks to lose a fantasy title on an interception return by a former Penn Stater. If that happens again this season I just don’t think I can live on this earth anymore. Maggi you know who the real champ is. YOU KNOW WHO THE REAL CHAMP IS.

 

 

2013 WE ARE PENN STATE FANTASY FANTASY DRAFT SALAD PARTY

As another season approaches in the most un-interesting Fantasy Football League in the world, I (Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood) decided to put together this little draft recap. Mostly because it’s fun, I’m bored at work today I’m unemployed and I still hate you all that much.

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The league, plus a sloot, minus Grayson and Berish Twin.

2012 refresher:

Championship Belt: Brian Farrell, Ben There Raped That. (First title….ever, in anything)

As you all remember, Farrell captured his first elusive championship in any form of sport (or life) when he took home the 2012 We Are Penn State league championship. In retrospect, we are all such great friends for giving this man something to build on in life by handing him that title. Kudos, my friends (not you Warner, fuck you).

Sack-O: Whitfield, Overdrive (Three-peat!!!!!)

On a slightly less depressing note, congrats to Whitfield (Michael-Turner Overdrive) for setting the record for his third-straight Sack-o. Some people are born to do things: Michael Jordan and basketball, Cole Hamels and fashion shows, Travis Henry impregnating women and Ben Roethlisberger and restroom rape. Much like these men, Whitfield was born to suck at Fantasy Football. Every year we can count on Whitfield brining up the rear, and for that we are grateful.

Onto 2013:

Big changes to the league this year as LaMantia pussied out due to other “commitments.” Such commitments include: watching old LeBron Youtube videos, vigorous masturbating to those videos, basketball at the “Y” and making nachos like Dale at the begging of Step Brothers. In his place, we’ve picked up Bryson Berish. Berish, 22, has been arrested for child pornography but boasts a Flyers fandom ownership card; which we love. A caveat to him joining the league is that he HAS to agree to name his team “The Other Berish Twin.”

The other ownership change was the unfortunate return of DeGeorge in the place of the second-best weatherman in the league, Nick Marguccio. DeGeorge has abandoned the league once after serving as a division doormat for the first season. He brings back a wealth of useless sports information learned at the New York Post, and a wealth of gas from his protein-based diet.

The Keepers:

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Interesting moves include the decision of Commish Cat to keep Brandon Marshall and Whitfield to keep Andre Johnson. Slight surprise that Bails failed to retain Cecil Shorts, who’ll probably go on to have a Megatron-like 2013 campaign. Sad that LaMantia is no longer in the league, robbing us of him keeping a kicker for the 2013 season.

The Draft (8:30 pm):

(Bails) 8:33 pm: I thought the draft was at 8:30? I

(Duce) 8:33:34 pm: It’s 8:33 now….

(Bails) 8:35 pm: Why are you picking so fast then, I was making a salad.

: I have my draft salad, tea and a beer.

His team name is now “Draft Salad,” I hope. Or else.

Round 2

The run of backs to starts the second (first) round begins with Farrell grabbing Trent Richardson, Grayson taking CJ Spiller and me snagging Shady McCoy. For the record, I would have taken McCoy with the first overall pick this year my wood for him in Chip Kelly’s offense is so intense.

Maggi reaches for the somehow still upright body of Steven Jackson and Elliot becomes the next Fantasy owner to want to murder Chris Johnson at various times during the first half of the Titans season opener. Commish Cat grabs Matt Forte like clockwork every year while newest member Berish Twin autopicks Drew Brees while on shift at McLanahan’s harassing other employees.

With Michael Turner’s old saggy ass retired or dead, Whitfield picks the next 30-something running back whose body is most likely to explode before week 4 in Frank Gore.

DeGeorge snatches up Peyton with the last pick, how uneventful.

Round 3, 4:

Berish ends the anticipation of who gets stuck hating their lives by owning Darren McFadden all season with the third pick of the round. Having owned McFadden in two of the three years of this league I’ll say this: I’d rather have a mix of STD’s for a calendar year than go through another year of him on my team.

Commish Cat grabs up another black running quarterback in Cam Newton after suffering through whatever Michael Vick was last season. Round 3’s theme was of the mediocre running backs. None of MJD, David Wilson or DeMarco Murray get me going. They’re all deeply flawed due to injuries (MJD, Murray), off the field problems (MJD) or being Darren McFadden (Darren McFadden) or being the next Darren McFadden (Wilson). I actually wanted Reggie Bush. I can’t believe I just said that.

I picked Vincent Jackson in round 3. If you could ever be lukewarm about a pick ever it’s Vincent Jackson. He’s not fast or flashy, and his quarterback is the lifeless corpse of Josh Freeman (who DeGeorge swears every year will breakout). I think this is where my team started to go south, for the record. My next two picks in rounds 4 and 5 were Eddie Lacy and Gio Bernard. Rookie running backs are feast or famine and having one is dangerous. Having two is taking your life in your hands; almost on the same level as owning Darren McFadden. I’m screwed.

This round was full of breakout potential, thought. Whitfield landed Kaepernick with the 47th overall pick, which at least assures that he won’t be a total laughingstock. The 49ers are really, really good at football. Kap is the new Michael Vick –but throws better and is on a more dominant team. Warner snagged Matt Stafford to be his QB in the round, which is a nice pickup. Stafford might set the NFL record by doubling his already NFL record for passing attempts last season.

Rounds 5, 6 and 7:

Commish cat gets stuck with the third branch of the Disappointing Darren McFadden coaching tree in Ryan Mathews. Maybe he wouldn’t get god damn hurt every year if he just spelled Matthews like everyone the fuck else. Also in the fifth round, if that tree of McFadden’s were to spring another limb it would be because of the stylings of Ahmad Bradshaw (as Elliot nods, groans and agrees) and DeAngelo Williams.

Holy balls remember DeAngelo Williams? When we started college he was easily in the top five overall. Now he’s somewhere in-between BenJarvus Green-Ellis and the backup for notorious running back hater Bill Belichick (Shane Vereen). Why do I feel like Doug Martin is headed for the same fate in a few short years??

Some interesting picks in the fifth and sixth were Danny Amendola, who’s never played more than six games in a season or something like that, to Bails and a man who’s had more surgery that Joan Rivers in Gronk to Maggi. That Gronk pick started the drafts first run on tight ends, which saw the ageless Tony Gonzalez head to Funky Malone, Jason Witten to Warner and Vernon Davis to Whitfield. With Crabcakes out for the Niners, I love the pick of Davis and had him in my queue box but shit I like Whitfield’s team fuck me.

Round 7 provided Andrew Luck for the defending champ. Luck now has his former offensive coordinator from Stanford calling the plays in Indy, which according to Matthew Berry on ESPN means something good. I’d agree, but I can’t trust a guy named “Pep” to save my life. Plus Matthew Berry is a douche that gets paid to do something I should be paid to do fuck.

Rounds 8-12:

BIGGEST STEAL OF THE DRAFT TO THE HOME TEAM MR. RODGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD!

WELCOME TO THE PARTY, CECIL SHORTS!!!!

#CHAMPIONSHIPPOPBOTTLES

Shorts, who was in play to be Bails’ keeper for the year (he blew it), will become the cornerstone bench player for the Neighborhood. Literally he will not every sniff game action unless all my players die in some crazy laptop fire in which he –and only he- survives.

Warner nabs Golden Tate in the round, but it’s a monumental bust considering that all of Tate’s touchdowns in 2012 were aided by the fucking replacements refs that cost Green Bay an actual meaningful football game and led to the slow ascension of Russell Wilson’s Seahawks to prominent levels of douchery. We all hate you, Golden. What a stupid name.

I like Daryl Richardson this year. He looked good in the preseason for the Rams. Why the hell was I watching preseason Rams games? I need a life quick.

While I’m liking stuff, I also like Ben Tate a lot…..another Whitfield pick!??D?? What the fucking fuck I sense a rouse. WHO THE FUCK IS DRAFTING HIS TEAM FOR HIM SHOW YOURSELF.

What race is Lance Moore?

Round 9 features a rapist, a retard, a serial fumbler and two guys who have been stabbed multiple times. What an interesting round.

My picks in rounds 9 and 10 were Kenny Britt (see above) and Jermichael Finley. Britt hasn’t been healthy since he was catching as many STD’s as footballs at Rutgers. Finley has been described by teammates as “a work in progress.” Always great to see that!

Maggi continues to draft douchy football players, adding Michael Vick in round 10.

Rounds 13-16:

He did it again! Maggi takes noted white supremacist Riley Cooper to join his team of monumental douches.

Random pick to pay attention to when Frank Gore’s body finally disinigrates sometime this year: Kendall Hunter for Grayson. Hunter was explosive as Taco Bell diarrhea at Oklahoma State and Marcus Lattimore’s flubber knee won’t be ready for another year.

Another reason I’m headed for the Sack-O in 2013: I drafted a fullback in round 14. Mike Tolbert had seven TD’s last season but the Panthers might be the only team to employ a fullback at the NFL or college level at this point. Joy.

Grayson nabs Knile Davis and Aaron Dobson to close the draft, which is really good. Jamaal Charles could be on Amber Alert by week six and Davis tore up the preseason. Too many people are overrating Kenbrell Thompkins and not paying enough attention that Dobson was a second-round pick and Belichick likes to fuck with people for a living. He’s showcasing Thompkins only to have Ole’ Tommy B toss the rock to Dobson all season! Book it.

Preseason Award Watch

Most likely to win the Sack-O who is not Whitfield: Big Cats

screen-capture-3Even with Matt Forte in the lineup, the RB tandem of Lamar Miller (who), Mark Ingram and him is laughable. Marshall is a stud, but Newton is bored in the NFL, Antonio Brown is darker than night and Santana Moss is older than actual moss. David Akers’ career ended three years ago when he shanked away an Eagles playoff win and the Steelers defense is older than Santana Moss and moss.

That’s it for the 2013 edition of the We Are Penn State Fantasy, Fantasy Salad Draft. It’s gonna be a long season, boys. Get out the tissues, cause there’s gonna be roster-bating all over this bitch until the season really starts.

Good luck, bitches.